I't s funny because it's true:

Last night, after using the ole commode, what did I do? well, I flushed it.. as I flushed the toilet I also reached over the sink and somehow flung the toothpaste off of the counter into the flushing toilet. As I was gathering the courage to plunge my hand into the not quite clear water, the entire tube of toothpaste went swirling out of sight. I stood there for a moment in complete awe of the incredible power of my toilet - I totally did not expect it to be able to swallow a tube of toothpaste.

I flushed it again, and voila, no problem - water went swirly whirly all the way down. Enter roommate who has to go to the bathroom. I tell her that it may not work.. why? because I flushed the tube of toothpaste down the toilet, that's why.

So she goes potty and gives me a full report on how everything is doing on its way down and it's all rosy. I am still gaining respect for my toilet and am now thinking about how to stuff my sister's dog down there and flush him without anyone ever finding out.

This morning I guess the toothpaste wasn't sitting as well on the ole pot's stomach and it overflowed... not just after someone tinkled in it.. but after someone shat on it's head.. I will not tell you who shat on it's head because Beth would be embarrassed.. I guess the two things; toothpaste and shat don't mix.

So I pull out my trusty 101 Quick Fixes Around Your Home book and get to tinkering. First I turn off the water, then let the water out, disconnect it, then I get to actually rip the toilet up off of the floor. Which is fun until I get to this part in the book, "cover the drain opening with cardboard and a concrete block to avoid any risk of a rodent invading from the sewer"

What?! I'm going to be attacked by a freaking sewer rat?! I have no cardboard! I have no concrete block! And so what if I do?! Then I can't see in the hole at all! What if when I move the cardboard and block a bunch of rats are just waiting to jump out at me and rip my throat out?! Couldn't they just hold their breath and come crawling out of my water filled toilet at any time anyway?? They already live in a wet sewer! Are they good swimmers?!?!?!

I felt myself having.. I would say a slight panic attack sitting there in the bathroom having pinned myself against the wall with a big porcelain toilet, my neck totally exposed by being craned over my shoulder to read that horrifying paragraph in the book...

Then I looked into the deep dark hole where my toilet usually sat and almost cried at the thought of having to reach in there and find the tube of VIVID WHITE Crest, as I shined the flashlight in there I could have sworn that I could see little beady eyes of enormous rats staring at me.. I gulped and wrapped my arm in a trash bag to reach in.. and then had a brilliant idea - I turned around, and tipped the toilet over, and there it was! I could see the blue cap sticking out of the bottom after being half swallowed by my toilet.. I would have kissed that tube of toothpaste right then and there if it hadn't been stuck in a toilet and peed and pooped on. It saved me from having my arm gnawed off up to the elbow by some rodent the size of Splinter in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Plus I learned how to install a toilet!

This has been a post by Miss Fix-It - the Brave, the Daring, the Incredible.