Love the Church
J.K. got me to return to church with his lesson on loving the church back in my LCC revisited album. It was the spring semester of 2001 (I think) and I currently was in a war with my church, that really, I think I was the only one aware of. They were blissfully unaware that a very important member of their church was defiantly going back to sleep on Sundays instead of waking up to go worship with them like a good girl.
Anyway, I couldn't even tell you what he said, but it was about loving the church as Jesus loves us, blah blah, anyway, it was really good, and I went back to church. Now, as I look back on it, and as I look back on the really good conversation that Soebs and Beth and I had last night, I actually have no real love for the church, or any idea what the hell I am doing there.
Here's what I think I did: I looked at the church as some messed up thing that I should love like Jesus loves me (also a messed up thing). Somehow in my head it got translated in this way: Church sucks, going to church sucks, sitting there through crappy worship, boring sermons, and insincerely greeting people is just what you should do. Why? Because for some reason I think that's what Jesus does for me? How do I change my insincere love to a genuine Christ-like love? How do I shift my view of the church from a task to a group of people that I can love on, and be loved on by? I think one of the problems is that I've never really felt like I needed church, if that makes any sense. So, going to church just seems like something that I should do for the good of the church. Isn't that stupid? It makes me sound so conceited, but that's how I feel. As if the church needs my support...
More on this later... have to get back to the job
J.K. got me to return to church with his lesson on loving the church back in my LCC revisited album. It was the spring semester of 2001 (I think) and I currently was in a war with my church, that really, I think I was the only one aware of. They were blissfully unaware that a very important member of their church was defiantly going back to sleep on Sundays instead of waking up to go worship with them like a good girl.
Anyway, I couldn't even tell you what he said, but it was about loving the church as Jesus loves us, blah blah, anyway, it was really good, and I went back to church. Now, as I look back on it, and as I look back on the really good conversation that Soebs and Beth and I had last night, I actually have no real love for the church, or any idea what the hell I am doing there.
Here's what I think I did: I looked at the church as some messed up thing that I should love like Jesus loves me (also a messed up thing). Somehow in my head it got translated in this way: Church sucks, going to church sucks, sitting there through crappy worship, boring sermons, and insincerely greeting people is just what you should do. Why? Because for some reason I think that's what Jesus does for me? How do I change my insincere love to a genuine Christ-like love? How do I shift my view of the church from a task to a group of people that I can love on, and be loved on by? I think one of the problems is that I've never really felt like I needed church, if that makes any sense. So, going to church just seems like something that I should do for the good of the church. Isn't that stupid? It makes me sound so conceited, but that's how I feel. As if the church needs my support...
More on this later... have to get back to the job
1 Comments:
At 1:54 PM,
Dacia said…
'Church' can be a dirty word. It really is a blurred idea. Blurred by people. Your talking with Soebs and Beth about the 'church' can be 'church' in itself. I tell you what ... finding Crossroads to be a part of has been revolutionary for Kyle and I as far as 'church'. It's about a relationship with people and finding a group of people you can be in relationship with as you grow and discover more about Christ. Legalism and traditionalism weigh 'church' down so much. It really is very sad. I am so grateful for where God has brought us ... Crossroads has given us an ability to take off our masks and be real. To express our frustrations with things and our joys. To not be afraid of condemnation and to have our failures accepted and encouraged to change. To be artistic in worship. To truly be free in expression. I have been confronted when I was wrong and sought out when I was sad. I have partied when things where great AND not so great. I have laughed my head off with so many of our friends at Crossroads. Amazing. I never knew church like this. It truly is a family, even with disfunction. But that makes it beautiful. I pray that you can find a group of people to just "BE" with. To just be Soeyun who Jesus loves. So much of me wants to take all of the people I love (one of which you are) and bundle you all up to our church family. But I know that isn't realistic. Continue to seek and question, but always keep Christ center. When nothing else makes sense ... HE does. Think about Christ and NOT the failure of the church. It is too huge. But Christ is soooo much bigger!
BTW ... thank you for all of your words about Kadi awhile back. They meant so much to me. It sometimes is just a personal topic that I have a hard time putting my feelings around her into words ... therefore I didn't respond. I wanted to, but each time I sat down to do it, I was overwhelmed. I read and reread your words. I thank you for your encouragement and insight. She is a trying child, but I know she can be used for great things by our Lord.
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