So... right now, I'm not really calm. I love being calm, I like knowing that I could sit still for an hour and do the things that I need to do. Right now, that is not me...
1. I am back in school - that makes me so crazy - I can barely handle it, I don't stay focused very well, and it's killing me!
2. I am reading a book (On the Road) and there are too many crazy people in it, and it has way too accurate descriptions of getting high, getting drunk, and having to answer to nobody in it to let me believe I don't want that in my life
3. I don't LOVE my job, I like it, but I don't love it... it's not hard for me to go to work in the morning, but by the end of the day I want to do shots of some sort in a little bar called BOB'S in Bloomington, IL
How do I handle the anxious/panic feeling inside of me?? Let me tell you my little secret.. I'm going to Mexico this summer to build a house with Soebs' youth group. This is my most favorite thing to do EVER. I am working out a plan to not return. I will 'get lost' on the last day, and everyone will have to leave me in Mexico. I will then walk around in Mexico and absorb the smell of the dirt into my skin, I will become Mexico. I think this will take walking around in Mexico for about 5 months. I have been there before for 3 months at a time, and that's not quite long enough.
I will then wander around and find myself back in the States, at that point I will have absorbed so much of Mexico into my body that it will never go away, and I will be able to do anything (school, job, life) and it will be ok, because I will really be doing what I want because I will be dirt! DIRT! Mexican dirt! For some reason that sounds fantastic.
Will I really do this?? No... I'm not that cool. But it's the thought people, it's my secret plan in the back of my head that is keeping me from abandoning all the things that are good for me, and all the things that I know will help me in the future. I want to be able to allow myself to submit to the things that I need to do - to not be so scared of deadlines, and authority, and responsibility.. I want to be able to hand things over to God and in a couple months not decide to take them back.
Remember the movie Legends of the Fall? Where Tristan's spirit was like a bear? For months, maybe even years, his spirit would be quiet, and he could do his daily tasks, and love and be loved, and then it would wake up, and he would become a wanderer, searching for something to quiet him down. I think it's so horrible that I feel like that. I've already found what I've always been looking for - why I can't I let Jesus be enough? I know that he is enough, I just can't wrap around that and exist in only that - I can't do it!
Well, I'm off to Wal-Mart to buy things for a care package for my little brother. He is stationed just west of Baghdad, he says that there has been a lot of action around him, but he and everyone with him is safe. Please pray for him, I love him very much. Pray for his heart, that it doesn't come back hard, that he goes to sleep at night without being scared, and that he will love Jesus. Thanks!
1. I am back in school - that makes me so crazy - I can barely handle it, I don't stay focused very well, and it's killing me!
2. I am reading a book (On the Road) and there are too many crazy people in it, and it has way too accurate descriptions of getting high, getting drunk, and having to answer to nobody in it to let me believe I don't want that in my life
3. I don't LOVE my job, I like it, but I don't love it... it's not hard for me to go to work in the morning, but by the end of the day I want to do shots of some sort in a little bar called BOB'S in Bloomington, IL
How do I handle the anxious/panic feeling inside of me?? Let me tell you my little secret.. I'm going to Mexico this summer to build a house with Soebs' youth group. This is my most favorite thing to do EVER. I am working out a plan to not return. I will 'get lost' on the last day, and everyone will have to leave me in Mexico. I will then walk around in Mexico and absorb the smell of the dirt into my skin, I will become Mexico. I think this will take walking around in Mexico for about 5 months. I have been there before for 3 months at a time, and that's not quite long enough.
I will then wander around and find myself back in the States, at that point I will have absorbed so much of Mexico into my body that it will never go away, and I will be able to do anything (school, job, life) and it will be ok, because I will really be doing what I want because I will be dirt! DIRT! Mexican dirt! For some reason that sounds fantastic.
Will I really do this?? No... I'm not that cool. But it's the thought people, it's my secret plan in the back of my head that is keeping me from abandoning all the things that are good for me, and all the things that I know will help me in the future. I want to be able to allow myself to submit to the things that I need to do - to not be so scared of deadlines, and authority, and responsibility.. I want to be able to hand things over to God and in a couple months not decide to take them back.
Remember the movie Legends of the Fall? Where Tristan's spirit was like a bear? For months, maybe even years, his spirit would be quiet, and he could do his daily tasks, and love and be loved, and then it would wake up, and he would become a wanderer, searching for something to quiet him down. I think it's so horrible that I feel like that. I've already found what I've always been looking for - why I can't I let Jesus be enough? I know that he is enough, I just can't wrap around that and exist in only that - I can't do it!
Well, I'm off to Wal-Mart to buy things for a care package for my little brother. He is stationed just west of Baghdad, he says that there has been a lot of action around him, but he and everyone with him is safe. Please pray for him, I love him very much. Pray for his heart, that it doesn't come back hard, that he goes to sleep at night without being scared, and that he will love Jesus. Thanks!
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